As if I didn’t have enough negative emotion coursing through my psyche, I feel bad…
Throughout the day, several opportunities for social interactions are presented to me. Just run of the mill water-cooler-talk. I’ve noticed my attitude towards such situations has been, distant. I feel, irritated. I look, irritated. As much as I wish to be a part of these interactions, I just don’t want to talk. Well, I wouldn’t say, “I just don’t want to talk.” It’s just, there is so much going through my head, all the time! I’ll think to myself, “I’ve far more important issues to deal with than to sit here and gossip about others.” Or perhaps, someone will ask me about my kids. It’ll bring about thoughts of my kids, and the fact that I don’t get to see them that day, or hear them laugh, and play. I was just asked if i’m ready for tonight. If I’m ready to bring my kids out trick-or-treating. Truth of the matter is, I don’t have the kids tonight, and this year, I was particularly excited for Halloween. I actually thought of an idea both kids loved months and months ago, but given the circumstances, we weren’t able to follow through with it. I was put in the position of, well, if I took them today, I’m an asshole. People want to talk about “Pity parties” and “Manipulation” while they’re sitting there dropping subliminal hints on you. But saying “If you don’t want to, that’s fine, its your decision.” makes everything ok? (LoL) It’s not ok, that’s just their way of making themselves feel as if they’re not “manipulating”, and that “I” made the decision, not “them”.

Back to the main topic, I just feel irritated all the time, and I hate it. I wish I could go back to my normal life. But life’s not a fairy tale, life’s not a movie. There is no script in which to be able to see future actions, or dialog. The unknown is the scariest part. I’m unwillingly alienating myself, and pushing those around me away. “It’s your fault for putting yourself in those situations by acting the way you are.” Well, in my defense, I would like to believe that the way I’m acting is human nature when one is thrown into a life altering situation such as this. I didn’t ask for this, I wasn’t ready for this. I’m still falling down the rabbit hole, not yet presented with the opportunity to try to figure shit out. I’m sorry to those who’ve been there for me. I’m sorry to those trying to help me through my day. I’m sorry to those who simply just want to talk. I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry for coming off angry, and mean. I’ve just too much on my plate as of now, and I don’t know how to handle it all. I’m trying to deal with it, and cope, but this is the only way I know how to do so.