I count the seconds, minutes, hours, and days.. Just biding my time. For what? I know not. I don’t know what the future holds, all I can do is speculate. Speculation however, does nothing but waste time, and eventually, my mind wanders to dark places I wish not to be.  I don’t want to think about the past, because again, it wastes time, and its definitely not a place I want to be mentally… So, day in, and day out, I bide my time… I feel as if I’ve lost my purpose. For 10 years my focus was on, providing, going to work, and rushing home to my “significant other”.  Then it turned into going to work, and rushing home to be with my “family”. They may not believe it when I’ve told them, but I really did put them above all, I made them, “My World”.

The decisions I made as the head of house were all beneficial for my family. Due to the nature of my frugality, we may not have had a lot of money  to go out and have fun often, but all the bills were paid, and there was money being put into savings. We made our own fun, and we were all happy. Or so given basis off of what was being told/shown to me; I thought we were all happy. Apparently one of us wasn’t.

I’m sorry, I take my responsibilities serious… I take being a Dad, serious. I take my children’s education serious. I’m sorry, I don’t like coming home to a filthy house, or sleeping in a filthy bedroom. I’m sorry, that through everything I’m an asshole because I joke too much, and that I joke a lot, because I loved to see you smile, and hear you snort as you laugh… I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell you that you were beautiful without sounding like a smart ass. Its my nature, and sometimes it was hard to find the right words to tell you that you’re beautiful. I thought you’d have known me by now. When I grab you from behind to hold you, nibble your ear lobe, or smack your ass.. those were my ways of telling you I love you, I never want to let you go, you’re irresistible to me.

But all in all, in the end, I guess I was a selfish asshole who made the past decade of your life the most miserable experience ever…

I’ve no longer a reason to rush home. “My World” and my reason for being the past 10 years has been stripped from me. My purpose, in life, gone. I’m at a loss. So, day in, and day out.. I’m biding my time for the unknown…