So first off, let me explain the subject line..
One step forward~ fall off a fucking cliff…
Basically stating, instead of taking 2 steps back.
I fall off a fucking cliff… Make sense?
Anytime I seem to find a peace about anything,
anytime I find myself humble, and content.
I have no right to be, I know this, there is still so much more that needs to be done in order to close this book and start a new.
But even knowing this, anytime I begin to learn to live. I get reminded, slapped in my face, and put back in my place.
I’ve been actively taking steps to better my life, as wells as my kids lives, to better provide for the 3 of us..
Since everything began, I was sent skyrocketing through an uncharted universe, to a world of “What the fuck”, and “How the fuck” am I supposed to live? In every aspect of the word, mentally, emotionally, physically, financially.
I’ve been taking steps to figure shit out and get myself back on the right track… only to have the tracks yanked from under me.
Now I’m in the position of having to reassess the steps I’ve taken, amend my approach, and try all over again..
I literally do not have the time to have to start over. I can’t… I fucking can’t!
I feel like, I might be blowing things out of proportion.
But at the same time I feel as if I’m just,
in my rationalization/irrationalization of the current situation.
It hasn’t been more clear until just now that divorce is imminent.
Although, I’ve known it all along, I’ve held on tightly to this tiny thread of fate, refusing to let it go.
I was presented with a few pieces of information tonight, which tested my own thoughts, and frame of mind..
And, I found myself answering the questions in my head in the “I want a divorce.” frame of mind. In a sense of
“Please, lets end this, lets just get this over with already.”
There was that inkling in the very back of my mind, peeking from behind the door, the “Nice guy” trying to interject, but I imagined myself kicking the door in on “Mr. Nice Guy’s face.”
Until now, I’ve fucking nothing to hide! she could ask me anything, (and does) and i’m an open fucking book.
On the other hand, she’s still soooo full of fucking secrets, this bitch must be an umbrella tree because she’s shady as fuuuuck!
The concept of divorce isn’t what’s most upsetting, it isn’t what scares me..
The fact that I correlate divorce with failure is what’s upsetting, the fact that I know, I scrubbed my life’s ambition, my goals, my dreams, to be in this marriage; only for it to end this way. The fact that not only am I going through this divorce, we’re also dragging 2 innocent children around with us through the mud. That’s what terrifies me.
I’ve also, always prided myself on my financial responsibility…
yeah, that does NOT stay intact through a divorce, especially with children, and though nothing is legal yet, oh it already fucking shows..
and this is only the top tip of the iceberg!
(Keeping in mind 90% of an icebergs mass is under water!)
I’ve lost it, my train of thought is gone… ~`Choo Choo ~->
I’ll write more later…
Good Night World…
-kayeXe