So since everything began, the beginning of the end, or so I shall call it;
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. I’ve been looking a lot into the past,
trying to find where I went wrong. Nothing, really in particular.
Well, one thing in particular, but that’s a story for another time…
I’ve just been feeling extremely nostalgic. Looking back on myself, how I used to be.
How I used to act. How I used to talk. I actually found ALL of my literary works, from the
first one I ever wrote, to random unfinished ones… everything, I was extremely happy.
I thought they were lost, forever.
I was such a carefree asshole back then.. lol
but above all, lmfao, still, a hopeless romantic.
I used to write, a lot, draw, a lot, I was very, artsy I guess you could call it.
I was always working on some type of project…
I was the go to guy for Xanga banners and coding. lol
I miss that, somewhere along the way, I lost it.. I just, stopped.
I was no longer allowed to be social, so I stopped being social.
I stopped going out, I stopped hanging out w/ my group of friends,
I stopped everything… and I resent myself for it. Not that I really
had a choice at the time though…
I’m trying to get down to the root of my introvertism,
and I think I finally found it.
The more I think about everything.
I’m able to realize, the things she made me feel bad about,
that I changed about myself, and there were a lot of things…
Yet most of it was double standards… her favorite word in any
argument was “manipulation.”
Well, as I’ve recently realized, she was the queen of it.
Soon the healing process must begin…
I want to be me again…
It’s scary thinking about change again, but I honestly
feel the me before her, was a better person to be around,
than the me I am now.
Well, not counting the fact that I’m a lot more responsible and
wise with my decisions now…
I just want to be the fun, outgoing person I used to be.
Not this boring old man, who stays indoors everyday,
Who would rather be alone everyday, than be around people…
God, my 17-18 year old self would probably punch me square in the
face if he knew this was what it has come down to.
I was always out, I had to be, I had to be out doing something
with people I loved. I despised, being at home. It was boring,
regardless what I was doing, I couldn’t be home.
I HAD to be around friends, just out, no matter what we were doing.
I want that again.
There’s just so much that needs to be done.
At least through a day of nostalgia I was able to
soul search, and find all these things about me
that I miss. Now, time to resurrect the old me with improvements
of the new me.
-kayeXe