I thought the weekend would help… I thought having my kids around would at least keep my mind busy… But no, if anything, it may have made it worse, these feelings that have been haunting me this past week… I hate seeing my kids go through this, though they’re still young, and don’t grasp the entirety of the situation. I have to watch them, change… Their mannerisms, their speech patterns, their attitudes… everything… For instance, Pi’ilani was an extremely well versed individual for her age. When she would talk, she would astonish people. She can accurately use big words in daily conversations. And the intellectual subject matter in which she would speak, seemed unreal for an 8 year old. More recently, I now have to sit here and listen to her speak as if she were a 4 year old. Every other word is “um”, “or”, “and then”. And among other things, she’s constantly using double negatives.. All I can do is correct her… Her mannerisms, I would have thought, being in a house with 4 other kids, would teach her more about sharing, and being nicer with others… However, it did the exact opposite. Like a cub fighting for food, she’s so mean, she acts so “prissy” and “spoiled”. She get’s mad at anything she’s attempting to do that doesn’t go her way. she’ll give an attitude to a piece of paper and a pencil if something wasn’t coming out right. She walks around with that, “Ugh, I don’t care, you’re bothering me.” attitude. Oh how it angers me so. The way she talks to her brother, and attempts to talk to me (every once in a while, as if she forgot who she was speaking to. ) infuriates me! But, I don’t spank, I try my best not to yell, I don’t want to spend what little time I have with my kids, yelling, and making them cry. The most I can do, is verbally correct their actions in as docile a manner as possible.

Pono! oh Pono, every other phrase out of his mouth this past weekend was “Oh, DANG IT!” and when he thinks I’m not around, or I can’t hear him, (ie. he’s playing or grabbing toys from his room) I hear a quiet “dammit”.  He’s becoming violent as well, I forgot what they were doing, but, Pono got mad, walked up to Pi’ilani and kicked her in the leg. I was so angry, I called him to me, started rolling up his pant leg up, because I was going to spank his leg, but as I looked at him, I rolled it back down, I don’t want to discipline them like that. I don’t want them to say, oh well, when I’m with daddy he spanks us.  Its not their fault. At this point they are a product of their environment, and all I can do in my short time with them each week, is attempt to lead them back to the path of which they walked when we were all together. Later that night, Pi’ilani and Pono were watching a dancing movie with me. They were both dancing along with the movie. Pi’ilani decided she was done dancing and was taking a break. Pono said, “Come on! dance with me Pi’ilani!” To which she replied, “I’m done for now Pono.” He then proceeded to walk toward her, and from the corner of my eye I see him lift his leg, and kick Pi’ilani in either her side, or her arm, in a “This is Sparta!” fashion. Oh, I about lost it at that point. But, again, I calmly called him over to me, so I could explain that, that was not nice, and we shouldn’t ever hit people, especially if it’s un-warranted. Then I told him to apologize to his sister. On another occasion, he was walking from his room over to the couch, and as he passed Pi’ilani, he turned and smacked her, square in te face for no reason at all, laughed about it, and proceeded walking away!

It pains me to see how they’ve changed as such. It hurts to have to spend my only full day with them a week, having to attempt to undo all that was done the days prior. They’re still  young, therefore,   impressionable… and all I can do as their Dad, who doesn’t get to be with them 24/7 anymore, is point these young children down the right path. I can no longer hold their hand and walk along side them. At 8 and 3 years old, I’ve been put in the position that I have to trust them to take the correct path, and remind them how to get back on that path, days after they’ve gone astray; for the situation we’re all in, has left us with…

Clouded Judgement.