Its so easy to give logical advice when you’re not the one going through certain situations.
As someone who’s constantly been in the position of being that non-judgmental listening ear, and shoulder to cry on.
As someone who’s often been the one people have come to for advice.
As someone with the mind-set of mine,
As a hopeless romantic who doesn’t know when to give up, yet knows the pain of holding on.
I know what I need to do.
I often ponder, “What would I advise others in this situation.”
And thus I will “subliminally” advise myself.
Although, I know exactly what I need to do…
Although logic and experience dictates a certain course of actions…
WHY THE FUCK won’t my heart listen to me?
Listen to logic?
Listen to experience?!
Like, its choosing (I’m choosing) to sit here and bathe in this agony and self-loathe.
I try to take steps to wash my hands of the situation, and every time I think I’ve taken a few steps forward,
Oh how my heart yanks me back as if to say;
“Know your place bitch, What are you thinking? You know you’re not allowed to be happy.”
I often wonder,
Why am I never good enough?
What am I doing wrong?
Why can’t I ever catch a break?
I’m a hard working individual,
I work hard in anything I do.
I’m faithful, I’m loving,
If its you, its you, and there’s no one else.
I will wake you up w/ breakfast,
take care of you when you’re sick,
Romantic spontaneous surprises,
I’m a mf master Chef,
I’ll rub your back, and rub your feet after a long day.
All I ask is for you to be here for me.
Like, I was left, after being led to believe that everything was perfect.
One day she was full of over-bearing affection and love, next day… Nothing, at all…
and just like that, it was over and done.
I received no closure,
I received no explanation,
I received, nothing.
Like a ghost she just disappeared.
This person wasn’t just a random person.
It’s someone I had a past with. Sure, the timing back then wasn’t right, there was no ill-will
or anger. We just knew at the time, things wouldn’t work.
But as if by some twist of serendipity and fate, we were brought back together after 13 years.
I loved her kids as if they were my own.
My kids loved her in a way I’ve never seen before. The look in their eyes told me everything.
And just like that, it was like everything was a vivid reverie.
Its enough to make one think.
What am “I” doing wrong.
What TF is wrong with “ME”
This is how I’ve been feeling as of late…
“Some days are easier than others; other days make up for those easy days with a vengeance.”
It sucks because I have no one to talk to, no one to vent to…
and while all of this is happening on the inside…
I try my damndest to keep a smile on my face
for my kids…
Anyways, I think this is a ridiculously sloppy mess of an entry.
Sorry, there’s just so much on my mind that I needed to get out there.